


if only i could transform

by Terminally_lost



Category: Steam Powered Giraffe
Genre: Depression, Gender Dysphoria, Misgendering, Other, Siblings, Trans Character, Transgender, Transition, basically it's about rabbit finding who she is and becoming that person, don't worry i won't rip out your hearts, first fic, there is a happy ending though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-22 14:51:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6083718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terminally_lost/pseuds/Terminally_lost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>rabbit sat by the grave of her creator. why had he made her like this? if only the others understood, then maybe she could tell them. but they wouldn't she knew they wouldn't. if only she could transform, then things would be so much easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. transform

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! this is my first fic so i'm kind of nervous but here goes! the grammar is probably a little bad, i'll try fix it later but I should probably post this now before I chicken out. there will be more chapters. i'm sorry for the singing it won't happen again I swear

The rusting copper of the automaton’s chassis heaved as she walked throughout the grounds of Walter Manor, a rustling bag of breadcrumbs in her hands. Steam poured from her vents and rolled off her skin, disappearing into the cold, misty air. She was walking to pappy’s grave. After his death all those years ago she had become distant, rarely speaking to her brothers, even less to anyone else. Gradually she moved back into the group, became close to everyone again, but the pain she had felt when she found out her creator had died, never left. The headstone was in sight now, next to it a small duck pond, full of eagerly awaiting ducks. There were a few ducklings too, the eggs must’ve hatched while rabbit was away. She sat next to the grave and opened the bag, throwing some crumbs into the pond. This was where she came to think. She let the question that had been burning in her mind since she left for the show a week ago fall from her lips.

“why did you never finish me?”

She waited, as if somehow he could respond, tell her why she felt so incomplete. Of course no answer came. None ever would. None ever had. Every time she came down here she asked the same question, she felt that if she didn’t, if she let it stick in her mind, it would destroy her. so she came here, as often as she could, to ask the answerless question yet again.

“why am I incomplete?”

Silence.

“can you make it go away?”

She felt a melody spring forth.

“can you, make me right? Can you make the thoughts all stop, so I can hide them, out of sight?”

Silence again. He couldn’t. no one could.

“am I naïve, for wanting, something better? If we can’t build peace, can we at least, rebuild me!?”

If only they loved her, and not the man that now stood in her place, if they loved her, then-

“if you loved me, I wouldn’t have to wonder, I wouldn’t have to blunder, through this life! If you loved me, I wouldn’t have to run away, I wouldn’t have to hide away, from this life! If I could transform, and change the way I am right now, I’d be, exactly what you want to see.”

A calm washed over her. Everything was springing forth, every thought, every feeling, pouring from her lips in a beautiful melody. She was standing now. She didn’t want to stop.

“if you loved me, I wouldn’t have to be sad, I could smile and you’d be glad, that I’m from this life! If I could transform, I wouldn’t have to be afraid! I wouldn’t have to be unmade! From this life!”

But she couldn’t. everything fell, including her. Oil dripped from the corner of her eye. She couldn’t change. They’d treat her differently, even if they didn’t mean to. Who ever heard of a man becoming a woman? It was insane. Maybe she was too.

“I don’t want special treatment. I don’t want attention. I just want to coexist, on the realm that you play on. Open up your heart, take me as I am! Love me hate me break my heart just let! Me! Live!”

All her anger had been released. She continued quietly.

“if we could transform, and be the way we want right now, it’d be, much, much too easy. Can you make it go away, can you make me right, when they run us, all away, and we have no more fight? Am I naïve? Yes I am. If only, I could, transform. And be the machine that you want. I’d be, someone I can’t be.”

She slumped against the grave. The bag had been abandoned long ago and the ducks were now greedily feeding out of it. Rabbit picked up the bag and emptied its contents as she marched up to the house. She was certain a mistake had been made. She was not a man, and no amount of reassurance would convince her of that. She needed to find her original plans, then they would believe her. But she couldn’t tell them until she had. She had to have proof.


	2. Lost paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rabbit goes looking for plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay the last chapter was terrible so I'm posting this one now instead of later because I don't want everyone to read the first chapter and judge me but yeah this chapter is better. no singing, and there's puns.

“rabbit, what are you doing?”

Rabbit quickly turned to face her brother, hiding the box of plans she had been going through behind her back. The silver automaton raised an eyebrow.

“nothing!”

“what is that behind your back?”

“behind my back? There’s nothing behind my back! I-I have no ide-idea what you’re talking about!”

The spine knew there was no point in arguing with his brother, so he changed tactics and asked a different question instead.

“what are you doing in peter’s workshop?”

“uhhhhh…”

“rabbit.”

The spines tone was laced with a hint of playful threat.

“I was… looking! For a… um... calculator!”

“why?”

There was a hint of caution in the spines voice. he wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer.

“well gee, with all these untrustworthy pe-people around I needed to find s-s-s-someone I could count on!”

The spine adopted a questioning look before letting his brow fall as he realised the pun.

“oh.” The spine’s expression became serious, but still soft. Trustworthy. “rabbit, you know, we are, I mean, look I,” he heaved out a sigh and steam filled the room. “you’re my brother. Whatever happens, that’s not going to change. You can talk to me if you need to.”

He turned and left the room. Rabbit froze, a feeling of utter despair washed over her. She was his ‘brother’. That’s what he had just said. As much as she knew he meant it in reassurance, the thought made her feel as though her insides were clogging up with oil. She gripped the box of plans tighter, nearly tearing the cardboard. She would always be his ‘brother’. Always be a man. Steam sprayed out of her vents as she threw the box to the ground in anger. She stormed out of the room and slammed the door. If she had turned to look back, however, she would’ve noticed on the floor an old folder labelled with her name in the spirally handwriting of her creator, and just poking out the side, a drawing of a beautiful copper woman. By the time rabbit came back the papers had been cleaned and the box moved from its original location, so it would take another few years and the return of an old friend for rabbit to finally find the plans, and to finally realise the reason for her pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this chapter is terrible too I am very sorry I made you read that


	3. quick update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if I can delete chapters if I can yay if not oh well um anyways my tablet broke and so I lost all of the files from it, so basically the whole of the next chapter which was actually kind of long so i'm going to have to rewrite it when my tablet is fixed and also when the assessment period is over. so i'll start in a couple of weeks probably but that means this is sort of on temporary hiatus because college is harder than I was anticipating

temporary hiatus ==> start  
(ye okay that was terrible I am so so sorry)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading it means a lot! if you enjoyed kudos would be appreciated. I will post the next chapter soon.


End file.
